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I hear you. She decided to break it up. It seemed to happen out of nowhere. I know exactly how you feel as I felt the same when my ex told me: “I’m not doing us anymore”.
She was the one to break our family. She was the one unwilling to work things out. She was the one creating this hell on earth for me. I blamed her and felt so right. But it was wrong - as long as I blamed her, I couldn't move forward with my life.
As a separation coach, I see many men stuck in this position. Blaming the ex for the breakup, continually posting about her “narcissist” behaviour, why it was wrong and how much pain she caused them.
While I totally get the pain, that blame is doing two things:
1. By putting all your energy on her, nothing is left for you - She left. That’s it. What’s the point in thinking, analysing and discussing her behaviour? Your focus should be on you!
2. Blaming her keeps you in a perpetual cycle of victimhood – This is one of the most vicious traps of separation. It’s so easy to keep blaming her because of the pain you’re feeling. By doing this you’re keeping yourself in a victim state, never taking control over your own life.
Blaming your ex keeps you away from your freedom. You’re still giving her all the power, desperately trying to get a recognition for your emotional wounds. Ask yourself: “Who is this about?” It is always about you, your life and your future.
Ask yourself: “What do I want?” by answering this you are stepping out of victimhood, taking responsibility for your life.
When I stopped blaming my ex, all my energy was focused on me. I have found my passions, started working out, dating, having sex, attending men circles, working on my own self-development, study counselling, and making a career change. My life suddenly became my own. All the drama I experienced in my separation was considerably reduced. I was free.
Now, you have only two options: let this pain to destroy you or use the pain to grow.
Which one is it?
PS. To understand more about this look at The Drama Triangle pdf.
