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Writer's pictureTamir Berkman

Handling Anger - Grief Cycle part 2

Many men experience intense anger in the early stages of separation.

It’s a normal part of the grief cycle, but here’s the issue: society often tells men that showing anger is unacceptable.

This leaves men feeling isolated, misunderstood, and even ashamed of their emotions.

But let me tell you, anger is a natural response to loss, and it’s especially common during separation—particularly for men who didn’t initiate the breakup.


1. Why Anger is Common in Separation

Let’s start with a sobering statistic: more than 70% of separations are initiated by women. For the men on the receiving end, or the dumpees, anger often shows up as one of the first major emotional reactions.

Why? Because anger is tied to a sense of injustice. You’ve been blindsided, your life’s been upended, and it feels like something you valued has been ripped away from you. Anger can feel like the only way to regain some control in a situation where it feels like you’ve lost everything.


2. Anger is a Natural Part of the Grief Cycle

Like denial, anger is a key stage in the grief cycle. It’s your mind and body’s way of processing pain and trying to make sense of it all. You might be angry at your ex, the situation, or even yourself for "not seeing the signs."

But anger isn’t something you need to suppress or be ashamed of. In fact, it can be a very useful emotion, provided you understand how to work with it. However, if left unchecked, anger can be destructive. It can damage relationships, prevent you from healing, and lead to regrettable actions—especially when children are involved.


3. How to Recognize When You’re in Anger

Recognizing that you’re in the anger stage is the first step toward managing it. So how does anger show up?

  • Thoughts: Your mind might be racing with thoughts of blame—“She’s the reason everything is falling apart”, or “Why is this happening to me?”

  • Emotions: You may feel an overwhelming surge of frustration, resentment, or even rage. It might feel like a fire that burns uncontrollably inside you.

  • Behaviours: Anger often manifests in actions—shouting, picking fights, or even physical tension. Some men might become short-tempered with their ex, children, or colleagues, or withdraw from people altogether.

Anger can also be internalized, which means you may turn that frustration inward, becoming hyper-critical of yourself. This can lead to feelings of depression or self-doubt over time.


4. Managing and Moving Past Anger

So, how can you manage and minimize the impact of anger when it hits?

  • Acknowledge it: Start by accepting that anger is normal and natural in this situation. There’s no need to feel guilty for being angry, but there’s a responsibility to handle it in a way that doesn’t harm yourself or others.

  • Physical release: Exercise is one of the most effective ways to release pent-up anger. Go for a run, lift weights, punch a bag—anything that channels that energy out of your body.

  • Talk it out: Speak to a friend, therapist, or coach. Sometimes just getting your thoughts and feelings out into the open helps to diffuse their intensity.

  • Journaling: Writing about your anger can help you understand its root causes. Ask yourself: “What am I really angry about? What do I feel has been taken from me?” You might find that behind the anger is sadness or fear.

  • Take a break: If you feel your anger is getting out of control during a conversation with your ex or co-parent, step away. Let them know you need time to cool down and revisit the discussion later.


5. What to Accept When You’re Angry

Anger can make you feel like you’re on edge all the time, but it’s important to accept a few things during this stage:

  • You won’t always have control: As frustrating as it is, not everything is in your hands anymore. Accepting this can take some of the pressure off.

  • Your ex isn’t the only reason you’re angry: It’s easy to place all the blame on your ex, but often the anger is about much more—loss of dreams, fear of the future, or disappointment in yourself.

  • Anger is temporary: It might feel all-consuming, but the anger will pass. The more you acknowledge and manage it, the quicker you can move to the next stage of healing.


6. Working with Men in Anger as a Coach and Counsellor

As a coach and counsellor, I’ve worked with many men who are stuck in the anger stage. And here’s the truth: I can’t take that anger away. No one can. Men need to work through their anger at their own pace.

What I can do, however, is provide a safe space for men to express their anger and explore the root causes. I help them identify whether their anger is masking deeper emotions like sadness, betrayal, or fear. Once men start peeling back those layers, they’re able to see that anger is just one part of their emotional journey.


7. Moving Forward from Anger

Anger, like denial, is a stage that you will move through. But to get past it, you need to engage with it in a healthy way. The goal isn’t to get rid of your anger, but to transform it—into something constructive.

Anger can become a powerful motivator for change. It can push you to set new goals, protect your boundaries, or start new projects. When you channel that energy into growth, it becomes an asset, not a liability.


Conclusion: Anger as a Catalyst for Growth

Know that your anger is valid. It’s part of the process, and it’s part of your healing. But don’t let it consume you or control your actions. Work with it, understand it, and let it push you toward a better version of yourself.

Anger doesn’t have to be the end—it can be the beginning of something new.

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