I visited my horse buddy Zack yesterday. I was feeling excited, a bit tired, a little anxious and to be honest, not really in the mood for doing much. (Noticing my feelings)
Guess what: Zack was the same. If I expected him to prep me up, it didn't happen. He mirrored my emotional state. (I shouldn't expect anyone or make it their responsibility to make me feel better).
In the arena, things didn't go so well. He was all over me, not respecting my space, pushy and stubborn. (All judgments I make about him).
It was too easy for me to blame him for what's happening, and I did. "Zack isn't playing nice today," I thought. (I turn to victim mode, blaming someone else for the situation, avoiding responsibility).
I was frustrated, feeling incompetent, and some shame. (Hello ego).
My friend Deb suggested I work with a different horse. I accepted the offer and expected a different result. I was disappointed when the next horse acted the same. (I didn't change anything about me. I still expect someone else to give me what I don't have).
Are these horses both complete idiots who can't see how good I really am? (Ego, becoming a prosecutor)
The moment of truth:
It's never about the horse. It's about me, my judgments, my self-limiting beliefs, my ego, my stuff. (Out of victim mode, taking responsibility for my life, owning my own shadows).
Hard to admit that I still lack some skills and experience to deal with these horses the way they need to be treated. I'm still not confident enough around them to make them feel safe. (Being vulnerable, admitting and sharing my perceived weakness).
I'm still learning. I am always learning. I will never get "There". And that's ok. Where is "there" anyway? (ah...truth feels good. Taking full ownership, forgiving myself, becoming clear, releasing the ego, allowing myself to be just as I am).
Thank you, horse teacher, for today's lesson in relationship (with myself).