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Writer's pictureTamir Berkman

The Bargaining stage - Grief cycle part 3

In this stage, many men find themselves trapped in the “what ifs” and “if onlys.” You might be thinking, “If only I had done this differently,” or even saying, “Please come back!” It’s a difficult stage to be in because bargaining often feels like grasping at straws, trying to reverse a decision that’s already been made.

So, let’s unpack the bargaining stage, why it’s so common, and how you can move past it.


1. What is Bargaining in the Grief Cycle?

Bargaining is a normal part of the grief process, especially during separation. It’s that mental space where you try to negotiate with your ex, with yourself, or even with a higher power to somehow undo the separation.

You might say things like:

  • “If only I had been a better husband, this wouldn’t have happened.”

  • “What if I promise to change—will she take me back?”

  • “If I can just fix this one thing, maybe she’ll reconsider.”

At its core, bargaining is about trying to regain control over a situation that feels hopeless. It’s a way of delaying the full acceptance of the separation. You’re still holding on to hope, even if it’s unrealistic, that you can somehow reverse the clock.


2. How to Recognize You’re in the Bargaining Stage

So, how do you know if you’re in the bargaining stage?

  • Thought patterns: You might be obsessively replaying the relationship in your mind, focusing on what you could have done differently. You might be looking for ways to "fix" things, even when deep down you know the relationship is over.

  • Emotional patterns: There’s often a mix of desperation, regret, and guilt. You might feel like you failed or that if you can just make the right offer, everything will go back to normal.

  • Behavioural patterns: You may be reaching out to your ex frequently, trying to convince her to give the relationship another chance. You might be overly apologetic or making promises that aren’t realistic or sustainable in the long term.

This bargaining often delays healing because you’re not fully accepting the reality of the situation.


3. Why Bargaining Happens

Bargaining happens because, as humans, we crave control. Separation and divorce strip that sense of control away from us. Bargaining is the mind’s way of saying, “Maybe if I just do this one thing, I can control the outcome and avoid the pain.”

It’s also tied to the fear of the unknown. You might be asking yourself:

  • “What will my life look like without her?”

  • “Can I make it on my own?”

  • “What about the kids?”

The uncertainty of the future makes you cling to the idea that maybe, just maybe, things can go back to the way they were.


4. Common Bargaining Scenarios

Here are a few common scenarios where bargaining shows up:

  • Promising to change: You might tell your ex that you’ll be different—that you’ve learned your lesson and things will be better this time. But the truth is, these promises are often made in desperation, and they don’t address the deeper issues that caused the separation in the first place.

  • Making deals: You might offer to compromise on things you were previously rigid about, hoping this will make your ex reconsider. But again, this isn’t a solution—it’s an emotional reaction to the pain of separation.

  • Begging for another chance: Some men may outright beg for the relationship to continue. This only prolongs the inevitable and can create further emotional damage.


5. How to Move Past Bargaining

So how do you move past the bargaining stage?

  • Acknowledge the reality: The first step is accepting that the separation is happening. No amount of bargaining will change that. The sooner you accept that this is your new reality, the sooner you can start healing.

  • Understand that change is hard: Separation feels like a loss because it is. But holding onto the past through bargaining only prevents you from moving forward. Understand that change is difficult, but it’s also necessary for growth.

  • Stop replaying the “what ifs”: Realize that you can’t rewrite history. The relationship is over, and trying to bargain your way back into it won’t bring you peace. It’s okay to have regrets, but don’t let them dominate your thoughts.

  • Let go of control: Recognize that you can’t control the outcome of everything. You can’t force someone to stay in a relationship, and you can’t undo what’s already happened. What you can control is how you respond moving forward.


6. What Bargaining Looks Like in Terms of Thoughts, Emotions, and Behaviours

When you’re in the bargaining stage, your thoughts are filled with hypothetical situations. You might be thinking about all the things you could have done differently or the ways you could "win" your ex back.

Emotionally, you might feel a deep sense of regret or desperation. There’s a longing to make things right, even if logically you know that’s not possible.

Behaviourally, bargaining can look like making constant efforts to reconnect with your ex—through texts, phone calls, or even trying to meet in person. You may also overcompensate by trying to be overly agreeable, hoping to win them over.


7. How I Work With Men in Bargaining

As a coach and counsellor, I see men in the bargaining stage all the time. The challenge is that men in this stage are often stuck in an emotional loop, unable to move forward.

I help men by encouraging them to focus on acceptance rather than trying to reverse what’s already happened. We work on shifting the focus from what they’ve lost to what they can gain—peace of mind, self-growth, and eventually a healthier life post-separation.

I also guide men to process their emotions, not suppress them. Bargaining is often driven by unresolved feelings of guilt, fear, and regret. Once those emotions are acknowledged and processed, men can begin to let go of the need to bargain.


8. Moving Beyond Bargaining

Moving beyond bargaining requires one thing—acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like the situation, but it does mean that you acknowledge it for what it is. Once you can do that, the bargaining stage loses its power over you.

By accepting the separation, you open yourself up to healing, personal growth, and eventually, peace. It doesn’t happen overnight, but with time and support, you’ll find that you no longer feel the need to bargain for the past. Instead, you’ll be ready to create a new future for yourself.


Conclusion: Accepting the End, Embracing the Future

The bargaining stage is temporary. It’s part of the healing process, but it’s not where you want to stay. The key is to let go of the need to control or reverse the separation, and instead, focus on accepting your new reality.


If you’re struggling with bargaining, reach out. You don’t have to navigate this alone. There’s strength in facing the truth and moving forward, and that’s where true healing begins.

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Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

So good. The other party is already at the acceptance phase, so I got to get through there ASAP. Acceptance is the last phase. It won't be so bad if the phases where linear, as bargaining is only one stage away for 'Acceptance'. Depression though stands between the two. I don't want to get depresses, I want to just accept and move on.

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