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The grief cycle is an emotional process that most of us will go through after a significant loss, like the end of a relationship.
And yes, divorce and separation are very much a grieving process, with stages that can feel overwhelming and difficult to navigate.
What is the Grief Cycle?
The grief cycle is often thought of as a series of stages we move through as we process loss.
You may have heard about it in terms of losing a loved one, but separation and divorce trigger the same stages because we’re grieving the end of a partnership, a future we envisioned, or even a lifestyle we thought would last.
The Five Stages of the Grief Cycle
Let’s break down the five stages:
Denial – This is the initial shock, where it feels impossible to accept that the relationship is ending. You might find yourself questioning if this is really happening, or clinging to a hope that things will turn around. It’s common to feel disoriented or numb in this phase. In a previous episode, we dug into denial and its impact — recognizing it can be an important first step in moving forward.
Anger – As reality starts to sink in, anger often surfaces. For many men, this stage is powerful because we might feel blindsided or betrayed, especially if the decision wasn’t mutual. The anger can feel directed at your ex, yourself, or the entire situation. This stage can complicate interactions and lead to miscommunication if not managed thoughtfully.
Bargaining – This is when we try to negotiate with ourselves or even our ex, hoping to keep things together or make the situation easier. “If only I had done this,” or “What if I just changed that?” Bargaining can delay accepting the breakup and can create an ongoing cycle of revisiting “what-ifs.”
Depression – This stage is heavy but normal, and it involves feeling the deep sadness of the situation. Here, the weight of what’s been lost starts to settle in. While painful, this stage is part of fully processing the experience and allows us to move toward the next stage.
Acceptance – Acceptance doesn’t mean being “over it.” It means reaching a place where we can acknowledge the breakup as reality and begin building a new future. You might feel relief, gratitude, or even a sense of hope here.
Remember, these stages are not a linear process. You may move from anger to bargaining, back to denial, or cycle through stages multiple times before truly reaching acceptance. And some days, it might feel like you’re back to square one. That’s completely normal.
Why Men Often Experience the Grief Cycle Differently
An important factor in separation and the grief cycle is the statistic that over 70% of separations are initiated by women.
This often means that women may have emotionally processed the decision to separate before announcing it.
On the other hand, men are often hit with it all at once, putting them at an earlier stage of the grief cycle. When one person is already in the acceptance stage and calling the relationship off while the other is just starting the grief process, there’s a natural imbalance in the relationship dynamics, communication, and even conflict levels.
The Impact of Different Stages on Communication
When one partner is in acceptance — meaning they’ve let go and are ready to move on — while the other is still in denial or anger, conflict can escalate. Imagine trying to communicate when one person is calm, detached, and resolute while the other is still looking for answers, clinging to hope, or angry.
Misunderstandings are common because each person’s emotional needs are so different.
In this scenario, one person might push for closure and moving on, while the other could try to reignite the relationship or express anger about the separation. This mismatch can create a serious strain, so if you find yourself in this position, try to remember that you’re both moving through different emotional landscapes.
Navigating the Grief Cycle in Your Own Time
In earlier episodes, we broke down each stage to help you identify where you are and understand that these feelings are valid.
Whatever stage you’re in, honour it, and know that moving forward takes time. As a divorce coach and counsellor, I often work with men on acceptance, not by rushing them, but by giving them space to feel their emotions and learn how to navigate these intense periods.
What Can You Do?
Identify Your Stage: Recognize where you are in the grief cycle and know that each stage is okay. If you’re angry, let yourself feel that. If you’re still in denial, gently remind yourself that this is a process.
Focus on Self-Awareness: Notice when anger or bargaining shows up and consider what it’s teaching you. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or working with a coach can help.
Find Constructive Outlets: Each stage has its own intensity. Physical activities like working out, mindful practices, or creative outlets can be especially helpful in managing emotions.
Be Kind to Yourself: This process is one of the hardest you’ll go through. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d give to someone else in your position.
Wrapping Up
The grief cycle isn’t just about endings; it’s also a pathway toward new beginnings.
Let’s keep moving forward together, one step at a time.
Remember — this journey through separation doesn’t define you; it builds you.
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