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Separation and divorce are often compared to grief, and like grief, the process comes with stages. One of the most common and difficult phases men face during separation is denial.
Denial is a natural defence mechanism, but it can also hold you back from healing and moving forward. In this post, we’ll dive deep into what denial looks like for men going through separation, how to recognize it, and what steps you can take to manage and move past it.
1. Understanding Denial: A Natural Response to Loss
Denial is the first stage of the grief cycle. It’s the brain’s way of protecting you from overwhelming pain. In the early days of separation, many men struggle to accept that their relationship is really ending. Thoughts like “This can’t be happening,” or “She’ll come back” are common.
While denial can cushion the initial shock of separation, it can also keep you stuck. It prevents you from accepting the reality of your situation, which can delay healing and make it harder to deal with the practical aspects of divorce, like co-parenting arrangements and financial decisions.
2. Signs That You’re in Denial
So, how do you know if you’re in denial? Here are some signs:
Refusing to believe the relationship is over: You may tell yourself it’s just a phase, or that your ex will change their mind.
Avoiding difficult conversations: You might dodge discussions about custody, finances, or the logistics of the breakup.
Holding on to false hope: You may still try to win your ex back, even if they’ve clearly moved on.
Downplaying the impact: You may tell yourself and others that you're "fine," even when you're struggling inside.
These behaviours often stem from the fear of facing the pain of separation, but staying in denial can make the situation worse.
3. Why Denial Can Hold You Back
Denial feels like a protective bubble, but it can trap you in a cycle of avoidance. You might ignore key issues, delay critical decisions, or refuse to seek support, all of which can extend the pain of separation.
As a coach and counsellor, I’ve worked with many men who struggled to acknowledge that their relationship was over. Until they accepted reality, they couldn’t move forward in their lives. It’s crucial to understand that denial doesn’t make the pain go away—it just postpones the inevitable.
4. Managing Denial: Taking the First Steps
Denial isn’t something you can just snap out of, but there are ways to manage and minimize it:
Acknowledge your feelings: Start by being honest with yourself. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. You don’t have to pretend everything is fine.
Talk to someone you trust: Share your thoughts with a friend, family member, or therapist. Sometimes, hearing someone else validate your experience can help you break through denial.
Take small actions: Even if it’s painful, start making practical decisions about your separation. This might include having a conversation with your ex about co-parenting or seeking legal advice.
Accept that you can’t control everything: One of the hardest things about separation is the loss of control. You can’t force your ex to come back, and you can’t undo the past. Accepting this truth is a major step in moving out of denial.
5. Moving Past Denial: A Path to Healing
Once you begin to acknowledge and accept the reality of your situation, you can start moving forward. Denial is often a barrier to progress, but breaking through it allows you to take control of your own healing process.
When you’re ready, focus on these strategies:
Set new goals: Start envisioning your future without your ex. What does a fulfilling life look like now? Setting new personal goals can give you a sense of direction and hope.
Seek support: Whether it’s a counsellor, therapist, or divorce coach, getting professional help can provide you with the tools to navigate your emotions and plan for the future.
Allow yourself to grieve: Denial is part of grief, but it’s not the only stage. Give yourself permission to feel sadness and loss. Only by grieving can you move toward acceptance and healing.
6. Accepting Denial as Part of the Process
As a coach, I can’t take denial away from the men I work with, and that’s okay. Denial is a natural part of the separation process. But it’s important to recognize when it’s time to let go and move forward.
If you’re in denial, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human. The goal isn’t to avoid it, but to learn how to move through it and come out the other side stronger.
Denial is just one stage in the long and painful process of separation, but it doesn’t have to define your journey. By recognizing it, accepting it, and eventually moving past it, you can take the first steps toward healing and building a better future for yourself.
If you’re feeling stuck or unsure of how to break through denial, reach out for support. You don’t have to go through this alone.
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