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The three pain points of separation:

During separation, my emotions came crushing in. Anger, fear, sadness, guilt, shame. They were running at level 10 - ALL THE TIME!


My fix? Drink and smoke. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work.


In fact, my emotions got so intense, I couldn’t even sleep.


Trying to numb down feelings only makes it worse. It prolongs the problem rather than dealing with it.


I know a guy who was in hospital because he buried his emotions so deeply, they came out as disease. (That wasn’t the official diagnostic, but he strongly believes that was the case).


Separation is an emotional challenge so avoidance (drinking, smoking, having sex etc), is the wrong tool for dealing with it.


The other tool I’ve tried is talking about the separation with my partner, trying to understand why. This is logical right? I wanted to confront her to know WHY this is happening, so my brain can have a reason. Again, wrong tool.


This is when it hit me: I can’t fix an emotional challenge with the tools I have. I need new tools. Imagine putting up IKEA furniture without an Allen key (Hex key).


I had to get off the emotional rollercoaster.


I didn’t have control. My emotions were controlling me, sending me up and down, side to side. I was acting based on these emotions, which is unhealthy and unwise.


Being in control doesn’t mean “don’t feel”. It’s the opposite: FEEL. Controlling emotions isn’t done by shutting them down. It is done by releasing them out.


Emotions should be identified, exposed, and interviewed.


How to do that? Try the emotional assessment process:


1. Choose a quiet place and sit comfortably. Take a deep breath. Get quiet and relaxed. Scan your body in your mind. Try to feel if there's pain, tension, or discomfort in your body. What are you feeling? Is it sad, angry, fear or joy? Maybe something else?


2. Match the feeling and the physical discomfort together and say: "I am feeling X (name the feeling) in my X (name the body part)". Keep going until you finish matching your feelings to body areas/sensations.


3. Now, scan the feelings and physical discomforts again. Do the feelings have a colour or shape? If they do, name them like this: "I am feeling X (name the feeling) in my X (name the body part). The shape is X (name the shape), and the colour is X (name the colour).”


Try it.


Tell me if it helped.


#divorce #coaching #emotionalintelligence




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