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Understanding Depression - Grief cycle part 4

Writer's picture: Tamir BerkmanTamir Berkman

Today, we’re going to discuss one of the most challenging stages of the grief cycle: depression. This is the fourth stage, and it’s one that many men struggle with silently.


We’ll cover what depression looks like during separation, why it’s a normal part of the grief process, and, most importantly, how to handle it when it shows up. Whether you're currently in the middle of a separation or you've just been through one, understanding this stage is crucial to moving forward.


1. Depression as a Stage of Grief

Depression is a natural and expected part of the grief cycle when going through a separation. It’s the point where reality sets in, and the emotional weight of the situation truly sinks in. The bargaining phase is over, and now you’re faced with the full impact of the loss—your relationship is over, and the future you once envisioned is no longer an option.

This stage is more than just sadness; it’s a deep sense of emotional exhaustion. You may feel overwhelmed, unmotivated, and unable to see a way out. You’re mourning not just the relationship, but the life you thought you’d have with your partner.

It’s important to know that depression in this context is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human. But while it’s a natural response, it’s also something you’ll need to address and manage in order to heal and move forward.


2. How to Recognize Depression

So, how do you know if you're in the depression stage? Here are some key signs:

  • Thought patterns: You may find yourself stuck in negative thinking. You might feel hopeless about the future, doubting whether you’ll ever be happy again. It’s common to have thoughts like, “What’s the point?” or “I’ll never get over this.”

  • Emotional patterns: Depression often brings on feelings of deep sadness, loneliness, and isolation. You might feel empty, disconnected from the world around you, and emotionally drained.

  • Physical and behavioural patterns: This stage can take a toll on your body as well. You might feel fatigued, have trouble sleeping, or lose interest in activities you used to enjoy. It’s also common to withdraw from friends and family, avoiding social interactions altogether.

Recognizing these patterns is important because depression, if left unchecked, can become a major roadblock in your healing journey.


3. Why Depression Happens During Separation

Depression during separation happens for a variety of reasons. One of the main reasons is the loss of identity. Many men tie a significant part of their identity to being a partner or a father in a family unit. When that unit is disrupted, it can feel like you’re losing a part of yourself.

You’re also dealing with the loss of routine, emotional support, and future plans. All of these factors combined can make you feel like you’ve lost control of your life. You’re grieving not only the person but also the dreams you had for your future together.


4. Accepting and Working Through Depression

Now, let’s talk about acceptance—because depression, while difficult, isn’t something to avoid or run from. It’s something to accept and work through.

  • Understand that it’s temporary: Depression in the grief cycle is temporary. It may not feel like it right now, but this is a phase, not a permanent state. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving in to the feeling of hopelessness; it means acknowledging that this is part of the process and that you will eventually move through it.

  • Don’t go through it alone: One of the worst things you can do during this stage is isolate yourself completely. Reach out to friends, family, or a counsellor. Even though you may not feel like socializing, having someone to talk to can lighten the emotional load.

  • Be kind to yourself: Understand that it’s okay to not be okay right now. You’re going through a significant loss. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling down, and give yourself the time and space to heal.

  • Focus on small steps: When you’re in the middle of depression, the idea of getting your life back on track can feel overwhelming. Instead of trying to tackle everything at once, focus on small, manageable steps. This could be something as simple as going for a walk, making a healthy meal, or reaching out to a friend. Over time, these small actions can add up and help pull you out of the fog.


5. What Depression Looks Like in Terms of Thoughts, Emotions, and Behaviours

In the depression stage, your thoughts might revolve around guilt, shame, or hopelessness. You might be thinking things like, “I’ll never be good enough,” or, “What’s the point of even trying?” These negative thought loops can trap you in a cycle of self-blame.

Emotionally, you may feel empty or numb. It’s common to feel disconnected from others, as if you’re going through the motions of life without any real purpose or joy. There’s a sense of overwhelming sadness, but also a lack of energy to do anything about it.

Behaviourally, you might notice yourself withdrawing from activities that you used to enjoy. You may avoid social situations, neglect your responsibilities, or engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking or overeating.


6. How I Work With Men in the Depression Stage

As a coach and counsellor, one of my primary goals is to help men through this stage by providing support and structure. Depression can make it difficult to see the bigger picture, and that’s where I step in. We work together to break the cycle of negative thinking and start taking small, actionable steps toward recovery.

It’s important to note that I don’t try to push men to “snap out of it.” Instead, we focus on gradual improvements—whether that’s implementing a daily routine, learning mindfulness techniques, or simply talking through the emotions that are weighing them down.

I also encourage men to reconnect with themselves during this time. Whether that’s rediscovering old hobbies, finding new passions, or just learning to enjoy their own company again, these small steps can help rebuild a sense of identity and purpose outside of the relationship.


7. Managing Depression: Tools for Coping

There are some key strategies I share with men who are struggling with depression during separation:

  • Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help ground you in the present moment and break the cycle of negative thinking. Even just a few minutes a day can make a big difference.

  • Exercise: Physical activity is one of the most effective ways to combat depression. It doesn’t have to be intense—just going for a walk or bike ride can boost your mood and improve your energy levels.

  • Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be incredibly cathartic. It helps you process what you’re going through and provides clarity.

  • Seek professional help: If depression feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek help from a counsellor, therapist, or doctor. There’s no shame in getting support when you need it.


8. Moving Forward from Depression

Moving forward from depression is a process. It won’t happen overnight, but with time and effort, you’ll begin to feel better. The key is to stay patient with yourself and keep taking those small steps toward recovery. Eventually, the weight of depression will lift, and you’ll start to see the possibilities for your future.


You’re Not Alone

If you’re in the depression stage of separation, remember this: you’re not alone, and you don’t have to go through this by yourself. This is a temporary phase in your journey, and with the right support, you can move through it and come out the other side stronger and more resilient.


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