Catchy title for a post ha? Wait a minute and let me grab my pitchfork. Now, where’s the witch?
Talking with men over the last two years, I hear a lot about manipulators and narcissists. This blame game keeps them in victim mode. After all, blaming someone else for life’s accidents is so easy and comfortable. But it’s also toxic.
Here’s why it’s so easy for a man to stay in a victim mode:
1. Avoiding taking responsibility – Saying: “She broke it off so it’s all her fault” gets me off the hook and prevents me from investigating my lessons.
2. Validating me as the good guy – Saying she’s a narcissist, keeps me “perfect” and helps to keep a false identity of the “good guy”.
3. Getting pity from other people – Only talking about her flawed personality acts as a crutch to a broken ego and invites people to my pity party.
All this simply exacerbates the problem I had to begin with. Shifting the blame is brushing off responsibility. Focusing on my “prosecutor” is making me a perpetual victim, prolonging my suffering and stops me from getting on with my life.
Telling myself I was manipulated, preyed on, or taken advantage of, strips me from my strength, my masculinity, and my freedom.
Who do you think I’ll attract as my future partner when I’m portraying myself as a little child, or “prey”, allowing others to hurt me? Newsflash: Even if I do find an amazing person, soon, my insecurities, defensiveness and blame will change her to be the “manipulator”. Why? Because deep down, either from habit, wound or trauma, it’s what I need.
I clearly remember how, two years ago, my mentor asked me if I was a victim. I wanted to punch him, but I instantly knew that he was right. I was a victim and I decided to change.
I consciously chose to step away from victim, stop blaming, and take personal responsibility and ownership of my life.
I am a creator. I oversee every single person entering my life. If I feel someone isn’t safe for me, I can and will cut this person from my life. It is my responsibility.
I put boundaries while clearly communicating my wants and needs.
I decide weather or not to comply with other people requests.
I am in control of my feelings, thoughts, and actions.
If you’re not sure about the answers, that’s ok. You can’t be a creator and get out of victim mode if you’re unaware. You can’t tell when you’re being unsafe. You can’t communicate what you don’t know about yourself.
Therefore, the starting point, is to start focusing on you.
PS> If you want to learn more about getting over the blame, let’s have a quick chat on zoom.