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How to deal with the ex shouting?

On Friday my ex called me and started shouting. She ignored my replies and told me she “Doesn’t want to hear anything more about it!!!” WTF?? 🤷‍♂️

I just told her I’m so sick, I had to get tested for Covid19 and can’t pick up our kid. She hanged up the phone after shouting at me to let her know the results of my test ASAP!

I was stunned, disappointed and angry.

I started pacing the room, shouting, and calling her names. Thinking my sister was right when she said my ex is a lunatic. Then I took a big breath and….

1. Identified my emotions: I was feeling angry. I was feeling mad. It was a feeling, not me. I took a snapshot of these feelings and imagined pulling them out of me, so I can take a closer look.

2. I checked if can I relate to whatever she was going through? I could see why she was upset. She was mad because it was her birthday, she had plans and now needs to change them to take care of our daughter. She was also sick of this lockdown (Melbourne is now has the longest lockdown in the world. We're also in curfew from 9pm till 5am)

3. I asked myself: What did I do to end up here? How did I contribute to her shouting? Well, I didn’t do anything to provoke her so… I have a feeling this might be about MY boundaries.

So, what did I do?

I did nothing. I went to bed, trying not to think about it too much. I did however think about my boundaries, or the lack of. I promised myself I will create AND communicate healthy boundaries to keep myself safe.

In the morning, I found a message from her.

She apologised for shouting and said the lockdown got to her. I returned a text saying her apology is accepted. I added that I will no longer accept shouting and will hang up if happens again.

After some more explanation my boundary was heard and respected and another altercation that could have ended in many sleepless nights, was avoided.

It took patience, awareness, and vulnerability to explore what I’ve done to end up being shouted at.

Pretty much the same process when I realized my horse thru me off, because I didn’t make sure the saddle was fastened properly.

It’s just another lesson: It’s never the horse (or ex). It’s always about me.

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